Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I offer friendship. Nothing more, and you must infer no implied promise of something more in the future. You told me that you can not be "just" my friend. If this is truly how you feel, then we should stop now as I do not wish to cause any false hope or any further harm. If you can accept friendship alone (with the possibility of casual interludes of playful service), then I welcome it.

You pointed out that in ending our relationship, I did not pay you the courtesy of a slow ending. I thought about that and I think it is because your influence over me was so great that with anything less abrupt, I would have failed. You are not a man who accepts "No" easily, and I have a great deal of difficulty saying "No" to you. Hence, the "hit and run" was the option I chose. Is there a good way to end a relationship? If the flame has died for one, then patience while the other person accepts the change is possible. If, however, the break up is for other reasons, and passion still exists, then I believe that ending the relationship will create sparks however it is done. Nevertheless, I realize that I handled our situation in the worst possible way, and that I will always regret.

I loved you as a master. At some point along the way I realized that I had fallen in love with you as a man. But in spite of this, I could not and still can not see myself loving you as a husband and step-father to my children. My instincts in this regard are quite strong and my instincts have rarely failed me. You want explanations so that you can easily out-reason me and bring me around to your way of thinking. You are very good at this, but how does one rationalize away a gut feeling? Even if all of the explanations that I can verbalize are easily swept away by your reassurances, I am still left with a looming sense that any marriage between us would fail, and miserably so.

Yet I miss our time together and yes, I miss you. My fear is that if we move forward, you will pass up opportunities for other relationships in hopes that I will eventually change my mind. This would be the cruelest harm that I could cause you. Although your warning that I would never be satisfied with a vanilla relationship has given me great pause to reflect, it is my current intent to marry my high school sweetheart, if and when he ever leaves his wife. I say this not to be hurtful, but to be as honest as I possibly can be with myself and with you.

Given this, I would expect that you will wish to have no further contact with me. And if so, I will understand and i promise I will never contact you again. Simply tell me how to return your personal items, and I will do so. The gift that I have sent to you is simply an ornament for your Christmas tree. It is a little wood cabin, and an identical one hangs on my tree as a bitter-sweet reminder of you and of the magic weekend when we left the world behind and simply loved one another. I will hang this ornament on my tree every year for the rest of my life.

And so, dear Sir, it is Your move....


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