Thursday, October 19, 2006


I feel that I have completely emasculated my husband. While he does take care of our finances, I am the sole breadwinner. My career was always very important to me and he loves me so much he let that take precedence over all else. I spent so much time at work that we lost our relationship. I had little interest in intimacy for years. He turned elsewhere and I can't say that I blame him for it. Now I've reached a point in my life when I realize how much I've screwed up. I want the strong intellectual guy I fell in love with to come back. I'm grateful he treated me as an equal in allowing me my career, but I don't want to be an equal at home any more. Over the course of time, his deference to my career turned to deference in all things. Always ready to take up the slack and accept more responsibility, I did so. Then I grew more and more resentful of all that was on my plate when he did almost nothing and yet he still seemed unhappy and angry all the time. While marriage counseling kept us from divorcing, we now simply co-parent. That is it. I feel that my feminist philosophy has backfired and left me very much alone and isolated from the one person I want to be close to. I don't want to be an attorney in the bedroom. I want to be a woman and desirable. I want to be owned. I want to feel vulnerable. I never admit that I have needs. My whole life I have been teased about how "independent" I am. I don't want to be independent. While spiritual, I'm not religious. I realize I'm rambling, but this is the only resource I have found that seems to really speak to what I seek. I started with spanking websites which were enticing, but what I desire is so much deeper than that. Domestic discipline sites are great to read but after a while it is just a depressing reminder of what you don't have. I am convinced this is the only road to a happy marriage for me. I am committed to do whatever it takes to get there, and however long it may take. I'm not proud of what I did this week, but it certainly solidified my resolve.


An Email to My Husband:

I want to make a suggestion that you may find shocking, but this is important to me. I feel that our marriage would be much improved if you took more of a leadership role. I must confess that as liberated as I may be from a career standpoint, I want something different in our home. I want to respect you and feel closer to you, and I want to be a better wife to you. I have spent some time before mentioning this and I would like to ask you to read about domestic discipline with an eye toward whether you think this could work for us. Apparently I am not the only professional woman who feels this way. Here are a number of websites. It would mean a great deal to me if you would read about this concept and give it serious consideration. I love you.


My Desparate Search for Guidance:

Guide: this a convenient moment?
Sub: This is perfect.
Guide: What is your given name, please?
Sub: _____________
Guide: How old are you?
Sub: _________________
Guide: Your education...?
Sub: ___________
Guide: Excuse these prosaic questions...I don't have any information about you.
Guide: what did you study?
Sub: ___________________
Guide: Do you practice a faith?
Sub: No.
Guide: Were you raised in one?
Sub: Not really. My mom shopped various protestant churches when I was about 5. From 13 to 17 I attended a Methodist church. Dropped out in college.
Guide: When did you last make love with your husband?
Sub: Last Thursday.
Guide: And before that?
Sub: Weeks ago. I can't remember.
Guide: So it's not a terribly active sex life?
Sub: Not at all. We didn't have sex all summer.
Guide: When you do have sex, is it satisfying for both of you?
Sub: He has a hard time having orgasm because of his medication. For me, I'm grateful for any attention.
Guide: Do you cum easily?
Sub: If I masturbate, yes. I've never cum with him.
Guide: Do you mind these awkward personal quetions?
Sub: No, Sir.
Guide: or those awkward typos?
Sub: No, Sir.
Guide: How often do you masturbate?
Sub: About every other day.
Guide: Is sexual arousal usually fairly close for you?
Sub: What do you mean?
Guide: Is it a chore to reach a level of perceptible arousal?
Sub: Not at all.
Guide: You should be experiencing something like that now, in that case.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: How long did you chat online with the chap you met last week?
Sub: We exchanged about 6 or 7 email and then spoke on the phone. He asked me to write him some essays on various topics before we met, and I did that.
Guide: When you chat with me, please sit with your back straight, your head slightly tilted down, your legs wide open and your feet flat on the floor.
Guide: What were the essays about?
Sub: My fantasies, what I like or don't like, what excites me, what turns me off.
Guide: Where did you meet him?
Sub: At a hotel room.
Guide: What happend?
Sub: I was to wait in the corner. He came in and undressed me. He spanked me. We kissed. I gave him a blow job. He rubbed his penis against me. He put ginger root into my ass and it burned. I cried. We talked.
Guide: And on Thursday?
Sub: We drove to a remote parking lot. He spanked me and I gave him a blowjob.
Guide: Where and when are you to meet him today?
Sub: I emailed him and told him I couldn't make it.
Guide: What is your height and weight?
Sub: 5 feet tall. I'm guessing I'm down to about 130.
Guide: Are you dieting?
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: What kind of diet?
Sub: Just controlling my intake. I get about 750 calories a day. My appetite has vanished in the last month.
Guide: Do you have a goal?
Sub: 115 to 120
Sub: It is more about how I feel and look than the number.
Guide: Do you wish to continue seeing...what's his first name?
Sub: His name is _____. I call him Master. Yes and No.
Guide: OK...give me the yes part.
Sub: It feels so good to be intimate. I love that I am learning new things about sex. I love that he is dominant and treats me so well.
Guide: So what's the no part?
Sub: I fear being caught
Guide: Fear being caught? Would your husband object?
Sub: I assume so, but I can't say for sure.
Guide: In your note, you explain that you're committed to your marriage. Yes?
Sub: Yes.
Guide: Because of the children?
Sub: Yes
Guide: Good girl.
Sub: Thanks.
Guide: Do you follow any set of prescribed disciplines? Anything like that?
Sub: I have been starting to track my food and my exercise. I have started doing kegel exercises. I stopped wearing panties and I now wear skirts and dresses almost every day.
Guide: Are you shaved?
Sub: Partially.
Guide: Typically, this instruction ultimately leads to a kind of awakening of a partner's reciprocal instincts...
Sub: He hasn't said a thing. I'm not ever sure he cares.
Guide: but I frankly doubt that will happen with you. I think your husband is not likely to want to embrace the heavy responsibilities of dominance and is sexual ambiguous as well.
Sub: That is what I fear.
Guide: My initial thought is that you may find comfort in close guidance coupled with occasional use by Master or somebody else.
Sub: I'm on board.
Guide: I suspect that will give you a sense of peace and balance...
Sub: I would love that.
Guide: but I would never want to suggest it would have an effect on your husband.
Sub: No false hopes here.
Guide: I don't know how much of this I can do myself, but I want to start you and see how well you accommodate the typical disciplines used.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: Please conform to these disciplines by tomorrow at this time.
Sub: Yes sir.
Guide: We'll discuss this more the meantime, you may email me whenever you may ask questions when you feel a need to...and you may ask for an online chat or a phone call whenever...if I can oblige you, I will...
Guide: you will be required to send me two photographs of yourself and conduct at least one telephone conversation with me
Sub: Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. It feels good to know there is someone with experience helping to guide me. I will send the photos.
Guide: The fact that you seek guidance makes it possible...
Guide: I will expect from you trust and complete obedience.
Sub: i understand, Sir. i will not waste your time.
Guide: As for _________, please tell him you need a week or two to think things over...
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: I may have him use you under obedience to me, although there's no reason to explain that to him.
Sub: I understand, Sir.
Guide: Do you need to cum now?
Sub: Need - no. Want - yes
Guide: Please go to the restroom and do so...then return there to thank me.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Sub: byb
Sub: Thank You, Sir.
Guide: My pleasure. Please remember to thank me for every orgasm you are permitted.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: Any questions?
Sub: Am i permitted to ask about You?
Guide: yes, of course
Sub: Do You teach or are You a researcher? Do You plan to publish all that You have learned?
Guide: I used to just an occasional course...I do lecture...and I write and edit extensively
Sub: Can i read Your work?
Guide: I suppose at some point,that might be possible
Guide: but since one of the principles of this instruction is blind obedience, it won't be soon
Sub: What got You interested?
Guide: I having written a couple of books about relationships, I decided to pursue these personal interests...
Sub: Are there many professional women like myself who find themselves as subs later in life?
Guide: yes...
Guide: I generally only deal with professional women, in fact...
Sub: It is bewildering how i could profess feminism my whole life only to learn that i really want to be controlled by a man.
Guide: That isn;t the conflict you think it is.
Sub: i would not have reacted well to it years ago. i do wonder how many women this way.
Guide: In my experience, women in their early-mid twenties are not yet settled emotionally, spiritually, whatever...
Guide: but in her 30s, this begins to make much more sense.
Guide: The shortfall is not among interested women...
Guide: unfortunately, it's among responsive men.
Sub: Most men don't wish to be dominant?
Guide: No...they don't.
Guide: They wish to be domineering sometimes...or controlling...
Guide: but both of those are aspects of weakness.
Guide: Dominance is much more rare.
Sub: If the theory is that women are naturally submissive, than one would asume that nature would have created a corollary dominance instinct in men.
Sub: On the other hand, perhaps it is part of an evolutionary scale, and the submissive women are more closely related to the primates than their androgensous sisters.
Guide: Nature did...and in fact, I think there's something on this at that site.
Guide: Dominance and submission have described the dynamic in most relationships at most times in most places...
Guide: but this is a very androgynous age...and men have been conditioned they can avoid the responsibility once levied against them.
Sub: You're work, while perhaps a passion as well, is fascinating. i am thrilled to have had this opportunity to visit with You.
Guide: My pleasure. Bye for now.
Sub: Good bye, Sir.

Guide: Hi,...
Sub: Good morning, Sir.
Guide: go to your calendar, click refresh and see if you see an entry with my name above it
Sub: i found it! Thank You.
Guide: should add me to the list of those who can view and edit the calendar
Guide: and no one else
Guide: my yahoo name is the same as this one
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: Tell me your understanding of the disciplines that should appear on your calendar.
Sub: My clothing.
Sub: My masturbation to near climax.
Sub: The books i read
Sub: Daily shaving.
Sub: i assume any sexual activity.
Guide: yes
Sub: Are there any others, Sir?
Guide: In fact, let's stop for a moment and discuss language.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: I think it's important in this process to avoid euphemism.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: How do you refer to your genitals?
Sub: I don't.
Guide: Well, now you will...
Sub: i suppose i have used the term "private area"
Guide: and the word you use should be confrontational, abrasive to you personally so you are able to use it to heighten awareness
Guide: use the word 'cunt' please
Sub: Yes, sir.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: I think it will be helpful to you to account for any use of your cunt whatsoever...
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: so include toilet breaks and all of that.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: I also want you to account for everything that passes your lips
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: I'll watch your diet for a few days or a week, then decide what you should be eating.
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: The journal, as I wrote to you, should be used to account for your thoughts and feelings.
Sub: i understand, Sir.
Guide: when did you marry?
Sub: i was 21.
Guide: never had an affair until last week?
Sub: no, i had three encounters with a massage therapist a few years back. i was afraid there was something wrong with me and that was why my H was gay.
Guide: oh, mentioned
Guide: no...there's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart.
Guide: Gotta dash.
Guide: Anything else?
Sub: Goodbye, Sir. Thanks again.
Guide: OK...bye for now.


Guide: Hello,
Sub: Hello Guide.
Guide: just passing through...I trust all is well?
Sub: Very well. Thanks.
Guide: Good...any questions I can help you with?
Sub: At the end of the month i am suppose to get back to Master. Do you have any instructions for me?
Guide: I think it's a bit may have to delay that for a bit. I will send you to him when I think his use of you will be helpful to you.
Sub: Yes, Sir. Other than that, i'm working well with my monitor. Thank you. i hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.
Guide: Do you feel a need to be used by Master?
Sub: No sir.
Guide: I didn’t think so.
Sub: i feel like i am myself again.
Guide:'re getting there, sweetheart.
Guide: However...if I think it will be helpful to you, you will see him again.
Sub: Thank you again for being there when i needed you.
Guide: you may not make decisions about who uses you or how or when.
Sub: Other than H, i understand?
Guide: Of course...I'm watching you.
Guide: yes, of course, but even his use of you must be accounted for.
Sub: Yes Sir. i very much appreciate that.
Guide: When do you cum again?
Sub: i don't know. i don't have permission.
Guide: I wish for you to cum once a day...please thank me on your calendar.
Sub: Yes Sir. Thank you.
Guide: but your arousal should be fairly constant, yes?
Sub: It is low, but there.
Guide: Let me look at your calendar. Please touch while I do.
Sub: Yes sir.
Guide: yes...long periods in the middle of the day without masturbation
Sub: Yes sir.
Guide: no wonder it's should be appreciably high now, however
Guide: who is your monitor?
Sub: _______________
Guide: ask her for information on smartballs
Sub: i have them but haven't used them yet, or any of the other items You asked me to obtain. i will ask her.
Guide: have these?
Sub: Yes Sir.
Guide: good...please use the smartballs immediately...just wear them.
Sub: i insert them, i assume.
Guide: yes...only fits one way
Guide: do you have experience with a plug?
Sub: No Sir.
Sub: i assume i should wash this first.
Guide: The smartballs?
Sub: Yes Sir. They are still in the box.
Guide: there?
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: put them in your mouth, please
Sub: Yes, Sir. i can only fit one.
Sub: 1 1/4
Guide: then do it twice
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: your cunt is wet, I assume
Guide: wet
Sub: Yes. Sir.
Guide: slide the smartballs in so the string is revealed
Sub: Ok
Guide: keep them in place for several hours a day until you are wearing them comfortably without distress
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: if you experience cramping etc, remove them and remark on it on your calendar
Sub: They are rather large. i will Sir.
Guide: as for the plug...that requires training and instruction...let me know when you have time and privacy and I'll call you to give you instructions on a first use...
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: do not wear the balls around your husband...
Sub: Yes, Sir.
Guide: and keep both of these items out of his view
Guide: any questions?
Sub: No, Sir. Thank you for everything.
Guide: I'm watching you carefully.
Guide: Have a peaceful holiday.
Guide: Bye for now.
Sub: Thank you, Sir. bye.

A Few Months Later


You, Sir, make domination an art form. i never had a chance. You knew what i wanted and You set out the path and patiently watched me follow You to complete submission. You amaze me.



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